Monday, September 24th, 2001
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8:25 pm - to be so naive is certain death
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perfectly fitting piece
in this puzzle of divine hatred .
if only i could define to you these terms of loathing.
such precision,
such accuracy,
such IRONY .
you ripped my heart out with such CARE ,
such explicit care.
kindness was your bait; murder was your hook.
there's one bullet left.
turn it around and aim.
blow your heart to bits.
for me !
it's the least you can do.
oh to watch you suffer
just as you have watched me.
and you will feel the weight of defeat.
oh you will taste defeat in its purest, most gagging form.
maybe it will kill you.
current mood:  numb
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Tuesday, September 18th, 2001
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8:34 pm - i would never do...never
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manifestations of evil burn brightly
my bile runs red
and my blood burns black
stability fails me
and violent hues of darkness encompass
give me a gun
we can end this right here,
right now
let the power in its violence
overcome my weakness
the cold click of metal
drives me to completion...
to warmth
sleep is calm and eternal
current mood:  tired
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, August 5th, 2001
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7:50 pm - i can still taste defeat on my lips
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another name. another place. another day. another penned in strike-out through his pencilled in name. my tears blur the page. the pen slips and makes a dark mark across the paper. i collapse atop the paper filled with those i could never have. these tears drip onto my dry lips. oh, the salty taste of defeat. the bitter hatred floods me once again and i wonder why i ever let myself outside of it's boundaries in the first place.
current mood:  melancholy
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Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
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11:46 pm - i'm dying tonight
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i'm slipping in and out of lucidity lately. nothing matters. and desperate shades of gray take me under. and i realize that life means nothing to me. hope is dead and i have no regard for this world. i'm better off dead and i've meant nothing to anyone. the blades are darting dangerously close to my bruised wrists. i fall to my weak knees onto the unholy ground below. and i beg ... i scream ... i plead ... for relief from this.
current mood:  cynical
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Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
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1:31 am - turn your back on me
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i rattle these bars. this cage doesn't budge. and nothing seems to change in this place. restless nights and exhausted mornings. all resulting from the empty bed that mocks my pain menacingly. just another brutal reminder that i'll be forever alone. these chains dig into my flesh and i begin to wonder if maybe they don't really exist and i've caused my own blood to flow.
current mood: exhausted
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Wednesday, July 18th, 2001
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10:38 pm - i need the strength to fly
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look into these jaded eyes. i fucking hate you. i fucking hate all of you. stay away. i don't need any of you. one step closer and i'll rape you of any and all beauty you think you possess. when i teetered on the edge and screamed for your love, every single one of you ignored my desperation. well you can have it all now. you can have all of my fucking hate. it's all yours.
current mood:  pissed off
current music: my fucking headache
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Tuesday, July 17th, 2001
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4:05 pm - die for you
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a life dominated by loss. a life consumed by regrets. a life stained by despair. i wish i could hold you captive in my arms, in my darkened heart and teach you what love is...even though i don't know myself. i wish i could hold you in my weak grasp for days and teach and learn love. if i could rip my heart out and pour my tainted blood before you to fill the voids, i would. if i could rise above, i'd breathe for you. complete me.
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Friday, June 29th, 2001
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10:06 am - gone and fucked things up again
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'a man is a god in ruin'. bri, i don't think i could think of a quote other than this one that so consummately describes your desolate perfection. except perhaps a slightly altered version of: 'a god is a man in ruin'. hell knows you've been ruined. destroyed, used, and abused, as well. and despite this, the world still pales in comparison to your brilliance, your insanity, your beauty. the drunken and drugged facade that should've immediately warded me off acted instead as a warm security blanket for my own hidden, yet blatantly obvious insecurities. sobreity brings forth the real you, though -- pained and troubled, apathetic and open. you are the embodiment of beauty and disgust all at once. you summon me from your darkness into your web of lies. and i refuse. i refuse to be a part of your damage. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry it had to be this way, brian.
current mood:  contemplative
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Monday, June 4th, 2001
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10:14 pm - i'm tired, i'm so fucking tired
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bruised wrists
and bloody tears
scream for
open veins and
bitter floods.
damaged, wasted, and alone.
but, what else is there?
this cycle of self-destruction
is numbing and suffocating.
forget what i lack
and scream the words i need to hear.
take the blood and damage
and fill this hole
before it transcends
time, space, and existence.
the same deamons still haunt me
denying any chance of sleep or peace.
take it.
take it all away.
and replace what was never enough.
i never remember feeling so tired.
current mood:  blah
current music: "wasted" - stabbing westward
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Saturday, May 12th, 2001
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10:19 pm - unfinished
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spent and forgotten,
when will i learn?
branded and burned
by rejection
hatred
and pain.
give me a reason
give me THE reason
surrender
sacrifice
another wasted life
slipping through the cracks.
please don't pull me back this time
back from from ledge, the edge, and the brink.
let me let go.
i just can't keep up.
the morning sun is most bittersweet.
it's here already.
my pulse accounts for my weakness.
always a battle.
satiate this need
before another day passes me by.
_______
i'm not sure if i'm finished with that yet. :/
current mood:  apathetic
current music: afi - 'clove smoke catharsis'
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out_of_step's journal